I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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