So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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