I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
