Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
