if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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