I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
