she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
