does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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