omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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