I wish I only lived at night.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
