Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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