i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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