Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize