your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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