Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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