I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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