Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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