My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
