So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
