oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So much rum. So many feels.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
