I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
