he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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