5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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