Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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