i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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