No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
