and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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