I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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