I accidentally burped into my bong.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
