i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
