life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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