Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
