The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize