the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
