first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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