If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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