i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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