Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I skipped work to stalk him.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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