I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fuck me I smell like cheese
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
