im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
