I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
