I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
