You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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