Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
