You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize