If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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