its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
