I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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