as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
