I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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