sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
