She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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