As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
