if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
