When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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