i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
