I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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