then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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