So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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